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This is a huge vending machine measuring approximately fifteen feet high and twenty feet across. It is made from a dull silvery grey metal that can feel either slightly warm or cool to the touch. (50/50% chance.) The mechanics of the machine itself seems to be of a technology level approximating 1950's America/Earth, but of course that isn't all there is to it, and, in fact, the machine resists any attempt to open it by force or otherwise. (If it is opened or access in any way it initiates a self-destruct countdown in a monotonous synthetic voice. (Roll 1d100 for the random numeral to start the countdown on.) At the end of the countdown, the whole of the machine explodes for 5d100 points of damage to anyone within 1,000 feet.


The face of the machine has several different sized coin slots which will accept one coin of the highest denomination the user possesses to vend an item the operator may select by visual inspection of 100 small round "glass" holes by which a product/item may be seen as a display item within.

For actual operation, roll 1d10 and consult the Mechanical Operation Table below.

Table 1: Mechanical Operation Table

1-5.) Machine Vends item selected.

6-9.) Vends item 1d4 slots off from selection.

10.)  Totally random vend. Roll 1d100.

Vending ItemsEdit

1. Pocket Lint -- Now with dust mites!
2. Soylent Green -- "It's made from People!"
3. Packet of Instant Liquid Smile -- You WILL smile for 1d6 hours.
4. Happy Pills -- Take one with a full glass of water. Make you happy.
5. Powdered Water Packet -- Just add water.
6. Bottled Diet Water -- 101% less fat than before.
7. Flavored Sugared Ice Beverage -- Try our new Grey Slime Flavor.
8. Pickled Pixie Parts -- Like Grandma use to make.
9. Dice Bag of Holding -- Holds all you dice.
10. TARDIS -- From Doctor Who.
11. Empty -- Or so it seems.
12. Kobold Sauce -- Green liquid in a little bottle which tastes like chicken.
13. Green Loaf Bread -- Baked in Vortex 5.
14. Giant Shroom -- Trip you the hell out!
15. Cat-a-log of Cats -- Now with behavior modification.
16. Count Fang's Fangs -- Prosthetic fangs.
17. Milk Plus -- Ultraviolence enhanced! +1 to hit and damaged for 1 hour.
18. Classy Asses Magazine -- Maximum ass issue. Best asses for halflings.
19. Coupon to Used Booze Emporium -- 1d4x10% off next purchase.
20. Hodgman Brand Bottles Brain Drizzle --
21. Belaying Pin -- +1 vs. Pirates. 1d6 damage.

Entries Yet to be put above. Edit

22.) Black Lung Lite Cigarettes -- 0.01% less radium. Says on package.

23.) A Card of Many Things -- Vends 1 card, determine as per Deck of Many Things.

24.) +10 Board w/ a Rusty Nail in it -- Clerics many not use. 1d4d, save vs tetanus.

25.) The Greater Green Grimoire -- Has all 5-9th level mage spells, but each spell is changed in a way to involve or require the color green in some way.

26.) Can o' Worms -- Burrow worms.

27.) Self Lobotomy Kit --

28.) Blinker Fluid --

29.) Multipass -- Opens any card-reading doors.

30.) Map to Stirges -- Paper map to the nearest nest of stirges.

31.) Cream & Carp in a Can

32.) Can of Unicorn Meat

33.) Hobo Chilly for Dogs

34.) DragonMusk Cologne

35.) A Mad Monocle Mike's Multicoloured Monocle

36.) Instacure Cocaine Drops

37.) A poor-quality copy of "The Communist Manifesto"....

38.) DragonGold Tanning Solution

39.) Super Cream - gives superpowers

40.) Honesty Serum

41.) It's not poison Kewl Aid

42.) Soylent Green Soda

43.) Charles Manson Pez Dispenser

44.) Blinker Fluid

45.) Extra Instant Smile

46.) Happier Pills

47.) Suicide Pills

48.) Smokable Kitty Litter with a plastic pipe

49.) Eternity Fluid

50.) Cream & Carp in a Can

51.) Brain Removal Kit

52.) Stay Puft Marshmallows

53.) Talking Tina

54.) Loona Class Luna

55.) Moon-Hater Destruction Ray

56.) Set of Jarts (Lawn Darts game)

57.) A coupon to Used Booze Emporium (50% off) 58.) Soylent Bacon

59.) Self Lobotomy Kit

Over 59 and reroll

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-End